So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
