I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
