I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
