Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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