My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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