I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
