you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
