so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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