i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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