I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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