My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
