I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
