Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
