It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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