And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
