meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
