dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
