I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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