what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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