What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
