I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
