don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
