You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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