I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
