He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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