Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
