i barfeds in our rink
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
