In America we eat man semen.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
