Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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