you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
