Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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