She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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