I'm lost and stupid without you.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
