Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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