I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
