Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
