in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
