bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
