Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize