If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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