Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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