Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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