I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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