That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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