cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
