I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
