I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
