just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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