well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
