i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
