his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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